Jogging in the Snow

Attention joggers: It's okay to take the day off from jogging, if there is a blinding snowstorm going on! Repeat... you don't have to jog during a snowstorm! Jack La Lane, or whatever guru you're following, will forgive you! You're jogging muscles will not turn into bags of K-Y Jelly if you fail to participate one day! The only people who should be jogging in a snowstorm are those in training for the Minsk 5K in mid January, or if you're too dumb to realize what a hazard you are for people trying to drive!Okay. You caught me. You probably can tell by my first paragraph that I'm a little upset over these overzealous, obnoxiously obsessive runners who feel it necessary to 

maintain their fitness routine regardless of the weather. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for fitness and jogging is an excellent source of body toning. God bless you men and women out there keeping yourselves fit.There are, however, a few of your brothers and sisters who must have gotten a 13 on their SAT's, because they're out there, in the worst weather, trying to show their 

perseverance. Pick up the phone now, don't wait until you finish reading this column, call them and tell them that their lives are in danger.Let me start at the beginning. Last winter, I had the 

pleasure of driving to work in a snowstorm that could only be labeled, "The Snowstorm Nobody Wanted." It wasn't a nice, gently falling snow that crunches under your tires when you drive on it. It was a blowing, wet snow mixed with rain, sleet and Campbell's Consommé. Accompanied with 

a 50 mile per hour wind, which blew the snow sideways, it was like driving through a tunnel of Venetian blinds. The roads were slicker than David Schwimmer's hair. It was a driver's nightmare.Amidst all this meteorological mayhem, I saw not one, not two, but three people jogging. They weren't jogging on the sidewalk. They were jogging in the street, like they would 

be les likely to fall if they ran in the street. One woman was actually jogging in this perilous precipitation with an umbrella. Could someone please explain the rationale behind this? I mean, it was thirty degrees, snow was coming at her sideways like thousands of stickpins, winds gusting up to 50 miles per hour, and here was this woman running while holding an umbrella. What's the umbrella for, lady? Your handicap? Don't you think you'd end up drier if you tried swimming the English Channel?Another jogger, who had been jogging on the sidewalk, decided he didn't like the side of the street he was jogging on and jumped over the curb, just as I was 

approaching him. Nice move, Ex-Lax. Here I am, driving on a street of ball bearings, and this single celled amoeba decides to jump in front of me and then he does his Charlie Chaplin imitation of slipping on ice.Now, I think I'm a pretty courteous guy. (I say, "Excuse me" if I belch and there's no one around.) So, the last  thing I want to do is spray cold, wet, dirty snow on someone as they're trying to keep physically fit. However, if a car is coming at me in the opposite direction, I feel it necessary to move to the right, which, of course, causes my car to throw an icy overcoat on any poor pedestrian in the way.So, from now on, here are the new rules for drivers should they go into a skid:

1. Sit back and enjoy the view. (I didn't know there was a deli in that mini-mall. I must try it as soon as I get out of intensive care.)

2. Aim for the jogger who made you go into the skid in the first place. In all fairness, I feel I should issue new rules for the joggers, too. So, here they are. Rules for jogging in a blizzard:

1. Don't.

A blizzard is an excellent day for you to stay home, make a nice cup of diet hot cocoa, play Scrabble with the family and watch a prerecorded video. (Exception: Marathon Man.) And, if you do feel a sudden spark of energy flash through your system, and you absolutely must exercise, then, by all means, come over to my house and shovel my driveway.